So I had a really good day today! It was fairly uneventful, but I am starting to feel better. I have also started to work through some stuff emotionally and mentally the past few days. I think I just need to be honest with myself that I am sort of worn out! This past couple of years has taken it’s toll on me. I have gone through 2 surgeries and 4 cortisone shots, physical therapy (multiple times), medications up the wazoo – all while trying to be a great husband and father and manage to wear about 3-4 different hats at work. This is not to mention the thousands of dollars that we have had to spend on my medical stuff! Money we don’t really have. I know that the money part really stresses Amy out and rightfully so and in part stresses me out! I think I want so badly to be able to shrug all of this off and power through, but this has been taxing! I don’t know if I have shared with very many people what I have gone through this past couple of years. I think because I have a hard time sharing my difficulties with others. I don’t want to burden them and I don’t want to seem like a downer, but with the diabetes hitting me I think I just needed to be honest with myself that I am a little overwhelmed.
The other thing is that sometimes I feel like there is an expecatation of me to perform – at work and at home. What I mean by this is that I feel like a lot of people are depending on me to lead and to some extent I think that is true. But I also think that I put some of that expectation on myself. I guess I say this mostly to be honest with myself, but also to let you in on the things that I am processing right now. The past few days I have sort of let go of some of this stuff. I feel very mortal! I know that I just need to accept the fact that I really need to take care of myself so that I can be a leader at home and work. I have started seeing a theapist to help me process this stuff and I think that is really good! I went yesterday and I already feel like my spirits are better! I feel like I am understanding life at a different level.
I feel like I am understanding how amazing life is! Just the gift that we have from God to interact with Him and with others! I understand how fragile that gift is! I am also learning how to love myself a little more. How not to be so hard on myself and to just be ok if I don’t meet the expectations of everyone all the time. As long as I’m doing my very best – that is what God wants from me. I am also figuring out how to submit to God through all circumstances and that my situations don’t need to define me. The truth is that I want God to define me, every part of me! I haven’t always wanted that!
I have a good friend named Chris, who went to bed one night in jr high and woke up with a disabilitating condition. It has physically changed him in very dramatic ways. It has effected his whole body! I had the opportunity to sit with him a few weeks ago over breakfast and I asked him how he copes with his condition on a daily basis and his response has changed my life! He responded by saying, ” I have grown to the point where I feel lucky to have my disability, because I feel like God is constantly teaching me. He never let’s me go. Everyday is a new challenge and He is able to carry me through it.” Chris’s statement has been my comfort this past week as my life has altered with diabetes. Even though I don’t have the challenges he has, I still feel like every-time I need to take insulin or test my blood or choose healthy foods, it’s a reminder that God is refining me; that he is not done with me yet! Diabetes might be the best thing that has ever happened to me!